The police have heard it all before.

“There are many people in this community that blame them, the Mennonites for crime we’re seeing on our streets,” said a police spokesman.

Mennonites have made local headlines for high crimes rates, including the 2015 arrest and deportation of Max Villatoroa a Honduran Mennonite pastor with a 16-year-old drunken driving conviction on his record.

You’ve heard the horror stories.

“When I was working as a line cook at Chili’s. All of my co-workers were Honduran Mennonites. Did you know some of those guys don’t even have cars?” said Rick Shields of Cedar Rapids.

The increase in Mennonite, Honduran-based crime outpaces larger cities like Rochester, Omaha, Rockford and CHICAGO.

There’s no doubt that Mennonite crime from Honduras is disturbing, but is it really disturbing Cedar Rapids, which by plane is only a 6-hour flight?

“Are the Mennonites here? Sure,” Shields said. “We know where they are.”

It’s hard to pinpoint exactly how we’re reaching the conclusion that Honduran-based Mennonite crime is on the rise, but perhaps arrest logs will provide clues.

Data from Cedar Rapids shows that last year nearly 2% of those arrested were born in Honduras and listed Mennonite as their religious preference at the Linn County Jail.

That’s the third highest percentage of arrests behind white people from Iowa and “people from Illinois, not necessarily from Chicago.”

In a remarkable statistical anomaly, KCRG News is reporting that 16 percent of people arrested in Cedar Rapids are from Illinois. As of this writing Iowa still shares an eastern border with the Land of Lincoln.

Of course, the numbers don’t tell the whole story. Records only show that inmates were from Honduras, not where they were born. In fact, it begs to question if police data includes the birthplace of inmates. KCRG’s initial reporting is unclear, as Forrest Saunders uses “born” and “from” interchangeably.

When they book you in jail, do they ask where you were born? Really, we want to know. The data cited by KCRG is incomplete until shown otherwise.

Ultimately the Mennonite Honduran crime ring is here for a few reasons. One of which is the idea that Cedar Rapids is a growing metropolis that might attract visitors from all those scary places other people live. Most modern cities encourage…dare we say it…immigration. It’s good that people want to move to your city. The general mentality of Cedar Rapids regarding tourism and growth is stuck someplace between 1955 and the Civil Rights Movement.

The second is drugs. Drugs! The Honduran Mennonites have found a safe haven for drug activity in Cedar Rapids. And they want to sell it to your kids! Scared now?

“People relocate from other cities and bring their religion, ideas, free thought. They bring that lifestyle with them.” The only solution we have is to tie crimes, directly to a person’s place of birth and hope people don’t notice the racial implication of the suggestion,” Shields said.

KCRG’s special report lends to the idea that police are fighting something called “Chicago Crime” while leaving the term ambiguous.

It’s unclear how to fight an entity such as “Chicago Crime” let alone “Mennonite Crime”. We have no idea what Chicago Crime is…but we’ll attempt to define it.

What is Chicago Crime?

My buddy. His second DUI…now that was a Chicago Crime. He was blasting the Super Bowl Shuffle too loud and got pulled over.

Chicago Crime.

The unfortunate baseball fan that fell to their death in Iowa City celebrating the World Series. Trespassing while cheering for the Cubs is a….

Chicago Crime.

Students from Illinois taking advantage of the U of I’s low out-of-state tuition.

Chicago Crime.

The person writing the words that you’re reading now was born 15 miles northwest of Chicago and has lived in Iowa 22 years.

If I was arrested, would they ask me where I was born instead of my current address?

Would I be included in the Chicago Crime numbers then? I’m not really from Chicago though. It’s confusing to think you might be part of the problem.

KCRG can’t define Chicago Crime and neither can we…but we sure can forward ridiculous anecdotes to divert your attention from real issues with the best of em.

This article is meant to satirical. Any similarities between a recent fear mongering piece by local media is purely coincidental. Chicago will be rubricated by this newspaper indefinitely.